Lettuce Crop Kid (A Throwback Thursday Tale)

March 5, 2015

The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value.

Charles Dudley Warner

Last night’s episode of The Goldbergs gave me my inspiration for today’s slice. Side note: If you were a child from the 80’s, I highly recommend you watch this show. It’s by far, the funniest and most family appropriate show on TV!

If you were a child of the 80’s, you most likely owned or wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll. I was about 4 years old at their peak of popularity and like Tickle Me Elmo and My Size Elsa, this was the must have toy of Christmas 1986. Apparently this doll was the only thing I asked for from Santa besides a pony and of course to end world hunger. Side note: I believe Do They Know It’s Christmas Time just came out and I wanted to help the starving children from Africa because Bono and Sting told me to.

Since this was the must have toy, a parent would have needed to start looking for it around June 1986 if there was any chance to attain it. My mother, however, chose to look in October and was laughed out of every Kmart, Venture, mall, and family owned toy store in the Chicagoland area. She wouldn’t give up though. I have no proof but I can bet my left foot that she tried the black market for some ideas as well.

December was approaching quickly and since she knew they couldn’t afford ponies or feeding the hungry, she found a lady who made Cabbage Patch Dolls. My mom was in heaven. She put an order in for a blonde Cabbage Patch Doll and was told it would be ready in 2 weeks. The 2 weeks came and mom went to pick up the most important of Christmas presents.

Christmas morning came, I woke up at about 6:00 am and forced the rest of my family out of their beds to start the festivities. I ripped through the presents that contained stupid pairs of underwear, sweaters, stirrup pants, and socks. I found the Barbies and the Hershey kisses that were in the stockings. The entire time I opened presents I wondered, “ Where’s the pony?” and“Where’s the doll?” Finally, it was time for the piece de resistance. My mom handed me the present and said, “Santa had to special order this for you!” I eagerly grabbed it tore open the wrapping paper, ripped off the box and there it was….. Something that semi-resembled a cabbage patch doll but was all plastic and was a bank. No yarn hair, no soft and squeezable body, no sewed in butt cheeks with the Cabbage Patch Logo tattooed on it, all plastic with a slit going down her back. It wasn’t meant to be played with, it was meant to help you save money.

I was ECSTATIC! I loved this doll bank so much! I didn’t need to comb out her hair and watch the yarn unravel. I didn’t need the dolls hand to move into a hugging position because I could hug enough for the both of us, and I certainly didn’t need a soft body that would get dirty and gummy from my always sticky hands! I could even bring the doll bank into the bathtub with me! I never loved any toy as much as I loved that doll. I named her Money and brought her everywhere. The best part is, everywhere I brought her, people felt sorry for me because they saw I was clueless on what real Cabbage Patch Dolls were and they would put change in the doll. I made about $18.00 in the first week of being adorable with my not-so-Cabbage Patch Doll.

Side note: eventually my mom insisted that I name the doll, Mona instead of Money and to not pan handle in the neighborhood.